Retreat 25-27 Sept 2010

Heiyaaa, It's been a while since my last post, huhhh... ? ;p I'm being lazy this few weeks, a chronic lazyness I guess.. Firstly, I want to write a quick review about what has happened in my life recently. I can say that this few weeks is my worst week in this year,.. :( I fail all of my tests, I gain weight, a lot of friendship issues come up, PLUS my bad mood that make me have no confidence at all and start to think negatively about my life. It's a tough week, and luckily is getting better right now. Praise the Lord! :D

Okay, so let me start my story about last Retreat that I joined! It's Sianna's church camp located in Down south from Sept 25th to Sept 27th. Because me and Sian were having an awful TAX mid-test on the 25th, so we arrive there late!

Day1 I dont know anyone there except Sian and Leslie (which I'm not really close with), and unfortunately they separate me and Sian into different groups! WORSE, only a few people in my group and I'm in the same group with Om Yusak-who is the priest of this church. So actually, only me and Markus (my group-mate) are in the groups during the whole sessions! The other members are Alvin, who has to follow the Sunday School session and another husband & wife who is too busy taking care of their son. OMG!!! I feel like I want to cry and go home directly... The situation's too weird, I don't know anyone, I can't talk to anyone, and have to be alone for most of the time :( And you should know the fact that I HATE BEING ALONE... So can you imagine how I felt at that time?

Day2 The day before was hell, but yeah.. GOD is GOOD!! Everything's getting much-much- much better in this day. I can accept being alone for a while, and I can try to communicate with others as well. So actually, this day is good! And yeahhh, some people even approach me and chat with me, therefore I don't have to be alone anymore! hahahaha Yeayyyy !!! :D Oh yeah, and due to some reason, my group's combined with another groups (just for this day). Andd... yeah, it's better since you have more people for the discussion. Hehehehe

BUT, you can be happy all the time right? At night, after we finish our activity me and Sian was preparing staff for our talent show on the next day when we heard some shocking news. It is a SHOCKING news... I can't tell whether to be happy or sad :[ However, always remember that GOD IS GOOD! So, just take the positive aspects from this news, and I can say that actually this is good for me. I think I can smile right now and be happy. Just forget about the shit. :p

Day3 This is the last day! Finally, heading home!!! hahahaha Even tough at first I feel like I want to go home soon, but actually in this last day... I want to stay there longer if I can. hahaha It's because I already started to get along with the people there, especially those CUTE KIDS!! (OMG, they're so NICE and CUTE >___<) Oh well, then we end this retreat activity with BBQ and photo session (can't wait for the photos to be uploaded on FB!)

Yipppiii,... that's a short story about my Retreat last week :D hehehehe Overall, I feel that I'm lucky enough to participate in that church. I can get a lot of things from there, a lesson to learn, meeting new people and friends, and the most important is... I can know more about my GOD. After this church activity, I feel like I have to change myself and dedicate myself more to GOD, for He's the one who always there for me and He's the one who has given me everything! I should do something for HIM and thus.. I'll try to give Him my life. I know that maybe I cant directly give Him my 100%, but I promise that I'll try little by little so I can be what HE wants me to be :) I'm proud of my GOD! Oh yeah and lastly, what I learnt (again) is that we have to be grateful for everything we have, and always keep it in mind! Kyaaaa!!!!!!! I'm so happy! hihihihihihi XD

Courage and Confidence

When I fall in love, I hope I can have the courage and confidence just to text you and ask, "How's your day?"

to be continued...

I heart my MOM

Yesterday, was not a good day for me. I was a little bit more sensitive than before, I thought of a lot of unnecessary things. Then later on at night, I called my mom just because I missed her. And of course, a daughter will always be looking for her mom, whenever she doesn't feel right or if there's something need to be discussed. I have a long (read: super-long) chat with my mom. We talked about our life recently, than about my future and my fears. I have been living my life under a lot of fears recently. It is so-not-me, especially if I compare myself with who I am when I was still in high school. But yeah, calling my mom at that time was the best decision. Because she knew right on the spot, what I was thinking and she gave me some advise. She opened my eyes last night.

Well,.. from our conversation last night I can conclude that actually my problem is not about the fear that I always think I might face in the future,.. but the problem is in myself. I'm losing my direction, my dream, and my plan. I don't have any certain good plan for my future. And I guess, I should start from now. I should re-arrange my life from now before everything's too late. :) Thank you, mama! You have really-really-really opened up my eyes!

0_____0

Mama-ku-yang-sok-cuantekk!

And this morning, before I went to work I received an SMS from my mom. She wrote (I'll just put it in INDO, I'm too lazy to translate it rite now) hihihihihii:

Ce, nggak usah mikir yang aneh2. Ingat, karir-jodoh-hidup sudah diatur sama Tuhan dan kita hanya bisa mohon untuk diberikan yang terbaik. Percayalah pada saat yang tepat, Tuhan akan memberikan yang terbaik buat cece. Ingat perjalanan hidup papa dan mama. Bawa segala kecemasan dalam doa dan Tuhan pasti akan menjawab walau tidak seketika. Itu sudah mama alamai dalam hidup mama dan orang2 di sekitar mama. :)

♥♥♥My MOM is THE BEST!! I LOVE YOU, mama!!!!♥♥♥

Living in a shadow.

It's been a long time since my last post, huh? :p Life's not too busy for me, it's just... too lazy to write on the blog. Hehehe So, here I am now! I am ready to share my thoughts in this post!

Firstly, this post is about being 'a shadow'. Confuse?? Check this lyric out first, by Ashlee Simpson called "Shadow".

I was six years old

When my parents went away

I was stuck inside a broken life

I couldn't wish away

She was beautiful

She had everything and more

And my escape was hiding out and running for the door

Somebody listen please

It used to be so hard being me

Living in the shadow

Of someone else's dream

Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me

Living in a nightmare

A never-ending sleep

But now that I am wide awake

My chains are finally free

Don't feel sorry for me

All the days collided

One less perfect than the next

I was stuck inside someone else's life and always second best

Oh, I love you now 'cause now I realize

That it's safe outside to come alive in my identity

So if you're listening

There's so much more to me you haven't seen

Living in the shadow

Of someone else's dream

Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me

Living in a nightmare

A never-ending sleep

But now that I am wide awake

Then I can finally see

Don't feel sorry for me-

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother

Everything's cool now

Mother, sister, father, sister, mother

Everything's cool now

Oh, my life is good

I've got more than anyone should

Oh, my life is good

And the past is in the past

I was living in the shadow

Of someone else's dream

Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me

I'm living in a new day

I'm living it for me

And now that I am wide awake

Then I can finally see

So don't feel sorry for me

Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me

Don't feel sorry, don't feel sorry for me

Living in, living in, living in the shadow

Living in, living in, living in a new day

Ashlee is the younger sister of Jessica Simpson, a very famous singer with her high-pure-nice voice, and good looking appearance, and blah blah blah.. While Ashlee, just started her debut as a singer, yet a lot of people complain about her voice which is in fact not as good as her sister. And in fact, not only about her career or voice, people always compare her with her sister since she was a little girl. And since then, she start to feel the burden behind her sister's shadow. She never hates Jess, as being better than her. She never intends to steal the spotlight from her sister as well. She is just tired of living behind her sister's shadows. Like what her song says, she's tired of being second best and tired of running and hiding.. But it was then, and not now anymore. She's free to become her self and proof to the world that she's different from Jess. They both good in their own way. Again, like what she sings in her song, She's now free from the chain, and living in a new day.

Yupyupyuppp... That was a brief introduction (or example?) about living behind someone else's shadows. So, how about you? How about me? Have you felt like that? Always being second best, always behind the shadow or just stand in the background? If you do feel it, it's so sad, hey?? I know how it feels. Indeed. :) Sometimes, you feel you want to cry because of this, you just want the world to see you more and to know you more. But it is not something big that is worth of your tears. So then the question is, what will you do? Will you change yourself in order to adjust to the world, do something more -even it's not you- just to make them see more of you? Or just continue your life as someone's shadow?

Unfortunately, I cannot answer this question myself because honestly, I am stuck in this situation right now. No-no-no. I've been always stuck in this situation. I want to shout, i want to cry, but I don't know what's there to be cried for. I didn't mean that I regret my life or want something more because I have had enough. I am thankful for who I am right now, and for everything that I have. It is just... temporary mind sickness. LOL

I am really-really tired and do not know what to do to get out of this, or at least to overcome my mind towards this problem. I am waiting for someone who can see the best in me, who can make me his number one. I hope that this wait will not be too long, because I'm getting tired of waiting now..